The Doctor Lecture: Morbid Obesity For Morons

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I found this today through one of my google alerts, and what with the disappointment from my last doctor's visit, I thought it was very appropriate (not to mention how many of these turn up on the Fat Hate Bingo cards). I am going to respond to the ones that pertain to my particular situation.
1) My weight is killing me, and my death is to be soon… even within the next five years (endlessly renewable as five year allotments pass.)
2) I am in denial by refusing to go into hospice by thinking I am not near death when it is obvious I am dying soon due to being so very fat.
3) I lie continuously and consistently about what I do and don’t eat.
4) I obviously do overeat but refuse to admit it.
5) Either I am a pathological liar about food and weight issues, or I am delusional or both.
6) Maybe I am unaware of portion sizes, caloric values, the glycemic index, or other fine points of nutrition.
7) I am apparently ignorant of the research and proof (and I am instructed to go read up on it if I am unconvinced) of how my weight is killing me and need to read more research on it since I am very determined to stay so huge.
8 ) I have never considered or even thought about the possibility of losing weight.
9) I am incredibly lazy and either sit around or lie around all day, refusing to move. But, some doctors do add that if they had even an extra 100 pounds on them, they wouldn’t want to do anything either.
10) I need less self-acceptance and more losing weight.
11) A 1000 or even less calorie diet is healthy for me because the alternative is death.
12) I need the gastric bypass surgery to make all my troubles go away. In fact, each doctor knows several people who have lost down to their normal weight and have no need for their former medicines. Some patients have even been cured of diabetes this way.
13) Obviously I have no self-control or will power, so the only hope is the gastric bypass.
14) It is my fault that none of the medical equipment, none of the doors, and none of the facilities are accessible or accurate for me because of my size, but I am to struggle through the agonizing pain physically and emotionally as well as paying the many fees for the services that don’t fit me and/or do not help me. After all I need the exercise anyway.
15) Doctors hate seeing their patients, specifically me, killing themselves, but this is a part of the job, alas.
16) Only I can choose what I do or don’t put into my mouth. If I would choose to eat less, I would lose weight.
17) I need to exercise and move about or die.
18) Anything I say or do that does not support the theory that my weight is killing me and is caused by my deliberate and willful choices is either fabricated or an obvious misinterpretation of whatever happened.
19) I am too stubborn about medicines and the side effects. All medicines have side effects. But if I choose not to take a medicine, a cholesterol lowering medicine for example because it caused jaundice in me, then that is my choice. However, I should be aware that my choice is killing me. And, what is the point of taking a fasting lipids blood test if I am not going to be taking any medicines anyway?
20) Since I am in a lot of pain, I need pain medicine not a firm diagnosis of what exactly is going wrong to cause the pain since I have already been told that my pains are caused by my huge amount of adipose tissue crushing and killing me.
21) My too tight control of my diabetes is hindering my losing weight.
22) Every condition is caused by and exacerbated by my fatness.
23) I need psychiatric help because I am so huge and determined to stay that way.
24) No professional medical person – nurse, OT, PT, practical nurse, nutritionist, dietitian, or social worker who comes to my home and sees my conditions here has a true picture of how I eat or not eat and, hence, have all been brainwashed by me to lie for me concerning these matters.

(sarcasm on)
1 - After 35 years at this weight (or thereabouts), I'm really tired of waiting to die. You've renewed it 7 times already, can we just say you don't know WTF you're talking about here?
2 - See 1 above.
3 - Send someone over to follow me around 24/7 for a week. I promise I won't eat any differently then than I do now (but I'm a liar, so I guess that won't work, now will it?).
4 - Can we say overeating is not what makes all fat people fat? But we're all liars about what we eat, so obviously it does make us fat.
5 - Yep, pathological liar and delusional to boot (that's how I was able to raise my son on my own, hold down a challenging job, and go to college). Nice to know that in spite of being delusional, I was a contributing member of society. Nice to know that being a pathological liar is an asset when working too.
6 - After all the diets I've been on, it's just so easy to forget what a "sensible" portion size is, I can forget the caloric value of everything I put in my mouth, and glycemic index, WTF is that? I haven't had any of this information pounded into my head every time you insist I diet, now have I?
7 - I've read the research to which you directed me, but I'm a liar and delusional, so how on earth am I supposed to understand it? Not to mention the fact that you pick and choose the research that only supports your point of view and conveniently forget to mention that it's been paid for by the pharmaceutical and diet industries, who have a lot of money to lose if all those dieters finally figure out they're being lied to.
8 - Nope, never considered it at all, considering all the diets I've been on that failed (but I'm a liar and delusional, so maybe I only thought I was dieting and losing weight there for awhile).
9 - I am incredibly lazy and lie around all day doing nothing? Who the hell cleans the house, does the laundry, does the shopping, cooks the meals, does the dishes, etc, etc? Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a liar and delusional, so it must be those pixies who come in and do all that stuff for me.
10 - Less self-acceptance and more losing weight? And then if I lose the weight, how do I learn to accept the new, improved me? Or must I keep on hating myself and finding more and more things to improve? Sorry, so not going there, so STFU already.
11 - 1000 calories or less or death? Well, since it's been 35 years already, and I haven't dropped dead of TEHFATZ, and I've been more or less enjoying what I eat (when I can ignore your whining), I think I'll just keep on eating the number of calories I need to actually function in this world without passing out from starvation, or having headaches from low blood sugar. But I'm a liar and delusional, so those things don't happen, do they?
12 - Gastric bypass, huh? Been there done that, didn't work. Oh, I should have it done again? What, you aren't satisfied that it didn't kill me the first time around and think I should give it another shot? Yeah, right, death is just waiting to claim me, and it doesn't matter how I die, it's gonna be TEHFATZ or WLS that does me in. I don't think so, asshat.
13 - No self-control or willpower? Nope, it doesn't take any of that to work a full-time job, go to college part-time, and raise a kid alone. But I'm a liar and delusional, so maybe none of that happened?
14 - Heaven forbid that I not fit into your cookie-cutter mold of perfection (and chairs, medical diagnostic equipment, exam tables, etc, etc). I need the exercise anyway, like I don't get enough of that, trying to jump through your hoops, whatever they are?
15 - Uh, doc, death is part of life, and if you don't want to see death, don't get born, ok? I'm killing myself with TEHFATZ, and I've been killing myself for the last 35 years and haven't managed to complete the feat yet, so it may be another 35 years before it actually happens (or I might die in a car wreck tomorrow, either way, I'm just as dead and you can't stop it from happening).
16 - Hey doc, I did choose to eat less, quite a few times, for quite a few months/years, and I did lose weight. But yanno what? You can't live on a starvation diet forever. I quit losing weight on 1000 calories a day, and started gaining. So if I can't keep the weight off at 1000 calories a day, which is less than what you need just to keep your body running even if you do nothing but sit on your ass and breathe, I'm going to eat what I need to sit on my ass and breathe, what I need to be able to do all things it takes to have a good life (like clean house, do laundry, wash dishes, cook meals, go shopping, play with the grandkids, have sex, etc, etc, etc). So STFU already, ok?
17 - See 1, 2, and 9, nuff said.
18 - Yeah, that thing about living for the last 35 years as fat really doesn't support the fact that my weight is killing me, does it? So my life is fabricated and is a misinterpretation of the fact that I'm not dying, and probably won't die of TEHFATZ any time soon. Sorry to burst your little bubble there.
19 - Ah yes, medicines and side effects. Medicines can be useful when they actually help whatever it is you're trying to improve, but I'll take them only when the side effects aren't worse than what you're trying to cure (can we say Alli, here?). Shitting my pants in public is not something with which I want to deal, thank you very much. I'd rather deal with the hoots and catcalls of fat-phobics. And we won't get into the side effects of the phen-fen you prescribed, ok?
20 - It's just so much easier for you to treat the symptom than it is to look beyond TEHFATZ for the real cause of pain, isn't it? After all, everyone knows that TEHFATZ is the cause of every problem every fat person ever has, even though thin people have the same problems (but they have real issues because they aren't fat, delusional liars).
21 - Damned if ya do, damned if ya don't. You preach control, control, control, and when it is controlled, you preach that the control is too tight, ease up so you can lose some of that weight. Sorry, doc, you can't have it both ways (I don't get this, but DH does). Some people will lose weight when they get diabetes under control, some won't, it's as simple as that (but simplicity is not your strong suit, is it, doc?).
22 - Yeah, that ingrown toenail I had is because I'm fat, and so is the arthritis in my right knee (but it's only one knee, so I'm not sure how all my other joints have escaped TEHFATCURSE of arthritis).
23 - Psychiatric help? Doc, 10 years of therapy and Prozac didn't do a damned thing for my fatness, and I don't think another 10 years of that would do much good (and since TEHFATZ is going to kill me in 5 years anyway, what's the point, hmmmm?).
24 - This one I can't answer, since I've never had anyone come to my home to see what I do or how I eat or anything else.
(sarcasm off)
Need I say more?