Just My Size - Less than satisfactory ordering experience

Ok, I realize that Just My Size doesn't have much choice over whether stores decide to carry their merchandise or not. Wal-Mart used to carry the JMS high-cut, spandex/satin panties, which I loved and bought the hell out of. They carried them in a myriad of colors and prints and I owned a wide variety of them. Well, Wal-Mart, in their infinite wisdom, no longer carries those panties, and neither does any other store. The only place I can find them is online. Not a problem, I thought, I do a lot of online shopping. I figured if I ordered more than one package of two pairs, I would get a variety of colors.
WRONG!!! First of all, I ordered 3 packages - that's 6 pairs of panties. Did they ship them in one parcel? Nope. I get the first package, it's one package, of 2 pair, one black, one beige. Two days later, I get the second shipment, it's 2 packages - 2 pair each, each package consisting of one black, one beige. I ordered 6 pair, hoping I'd at least get a variety of colors - I'm sorry, but black and beige is not a variety. WTF is up with that, JMS? Is that all you're making now in the spandex/satin high-cut panties? Black and beige? What happened to the red, brown, blue, pink, leopard print, pink/blue geometric print, white on white pattern, black on black pattern, brown geometric print? What happened to the diversity of colors you used to have? Did you decide that fat women over a certain size are no longer entitled to a variety of colors/prints/patterns in their panties? Am I going to have to make my own panties now, in order to get what I want, in the colors I want, like I have to make my own bras in order to get one that fits and is in the colors/fabric/style I want? Can you really afford to offend customers this way? Because let me tell you, you've offended the hell out of me, pissed me off, and lost a customer.
I'll be taking one of my old pair of JMS panties apart and using it for a pattern and making my own panties from now on and you can kiss my fat ass's business good-bye.
ETA: This is what I wrote to JMS on their Contact Us form:

I ordered 6 pair of the JMS satin stretch hi-cut panties, hoping I would get assorted colors, as advertised on your website. I was very disappointed when my order arrived to find that I got 3 pkgs containing 1 pr black/1 pr beige panties each. Is this something which is going to happen every time I order panties from you? If it is, I'll not order any more panties from you, I'll take an old pair of my JMS stretch satin hi-cut panties apart and use them for a pattern and make my own from now on. I used to be able to buy these panties in red, pink, brown, blue, black on black pattern, white on white pattern, brown leopard print, brown geometric print, blue/pink geometric print, black, white, and beige. I also used to be able to find them in stores, now the only place I can find them is online at your website, and you don't give me an option to pick the colors I want. I love the way these panties fit, they're the only ones I'll wear, and I would love to have a wider selection of colors.

ETA: This is the response I got from JMS Customer Service -

Dear Customer,
Thank you for inquiring about our assorted colors in packaging. We are
unable to list the colors of this item because these may vary depending
on how the manufacturer randomly packages these.
Please let us know if we can assist you further.
Sincerely,
Deborah

A totally inadequate response, if you ask me. So yeah, I won't be ordering from them again. I'll be taking an old pair of my stretch satin panties apart and using them as a pattern and making my own panties from now on (I figure the lycra spandex swimsuit fabric will work just as well if I can't find stretch satin fabric).
They don't care to address my concerns, I don't care to give them any more of my money, for anything.
ETA AGAIN -
I just contacted JMS Customer Service again, for all the good it will do.
I told them that their response was less than satisfactory and

In other words, you have no intentions of trying to remedy this situation at all. Your customers are stuck with whatever you decide to send out because you won't contact your manufacturer to ask them to supply more colors/prints/patterns. Thank you for letting me know how much my business matters to you - not much at all, apparently. Since you aren't willing to do anything to remedy this situation, you obviously don't need my business.

This is especially upsetting with all the brouhaha they've had in the news with how they're updating their image, going with better colors/prints/fabrics/etc for their clothing line. I guess that only matters if it's clothing that whole world can see. If the whole world doesn't see your panties, it doesn't matter that they're boring and blah, you don't need to have colors/prints/patterns that you like, you can put up with black/beige/white and be damned glad that they even deign to carry them in sizes to fit your fat ass. Well fuck that shit. If you aren't going to give me the panties I want (in the colors/prints/patterns that I want), that you used to carry, then I'll be damned if I'm going to spend my money on any of your clothing line, I don't give a fucking rat's ass how goddamned cute/fashionable/affordable it is. Fuck me over in one area, and you've lost me as a customer in every area - I'm a curmudgeonly bitch like that.

Lynn Stainless Steel Cookware has AWESOME customer service

This is just so awesome, I had to blog about it. DH has a set of Lynn Stainless Steel cookware (pots & pans) that he had when we got married (the Saturn series 300F, to be specific). I don't know how long he's had them, but they're really nice pans, easy to clean, and they cook foods well.
The reason I'm writing about them is because the handle on the lid to our 5 quart dutch oven broke one day when I was draining pasta and the lid fell off into the sink. I super-glued it back together, and that lasted for about a month. Last night, it came apart.
Today, I called the company to see if I could get a replacement knob or lid, or did I need to purchase a whole new dutch oven. The awesome part? I can get just the knob I need for the lid and they'll send it to me for FREE!!! Now that is customer service, something I thought had gone the way of the dinosaurs.

Need help for lady opening affordable Women's Plus Clothing/Lingerie store

Okay ladies, we need some help here. Anita needs ideas for clothing for her store - colors, prints, styles, sizes, measurements, what you would like to see in a store when you go shopping for every-day clothing, lingerie, and evening wear.
I listed my likes/needs and I'm opening up the comments for you to list yours. Have fun and let Anita know what you want.............

Anita said...

I am opening an affordable Woman’s Plus Size Clothing and Lingerie store
I would like to find out more about the products in Plus Sizes XL to 6X or higher? The plus size clothing in my city only goes as high as 6X for some items but not all and the bras are not wide enough in the band width...
and nothing sexy for the evenings... ;)
I know this might sound strange but can take full measurements so I can know what sizes I should order... especially the for the bras and panties pants and sexy night wear ;)
I really need to know sizes, it's very important... Because I want us ladies to have the perfect fit for once in our clothes and feel good about how we look too... please this would really help me. I will keep an eye on this page for a few days. Just so you know I am serious about my store. Here is my info I know right now... I am 260LBs I kinda fit in 3X-4X jeans 46 - 48. I have a very hard time finding clothes that fit so I really want to do this right... I need actual measurements, so I get clothes custom made... And if you have any suggestions on what you would like to see in styles and colors that would really help me out too...

Thank you so very much for reading my post, I look forward to reading yours too.

Anita - Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. I had to go out of town on Friday and just got home.

Sizing is difficult, since even 2 women who are the same height and weight will wear different sizes. I'm 5' 7" (I've shrunk again) and 376 lbs - I wear a 26/28/30 in pants, depending on who made them and I need a 32" inseam with a 12" rise, panties I wear a size 13 in the Just My Size high cut stretch satin (the only ones I like), bras I wear a 52H (if I can find one in that size that has support). As far as tops go, I can't wear any blouses that are made out of woven fabric and are button-front, the arms are always too tight and the shoulders are too wide, the armholes are weird too. So I usually buy stretchy cotton or polyester knit tops, with scoop necks, v-necks, sweetheart necklines, or round necks and short sleeves (I don't care much for 3/4 sleeves, and long sleeves get in my way). I like my tops longer, so on me, that's a back length of about 32", then they hit at mid-hip.

As for colors - that's also very individual and personal. I happen to like jewel tones - turquoise, purple, burgundy, jade, teal, royal blue, and then black, charcoal grey, olive green, and all the shades of denim blue for pants/slacks (the pants I wear are Roaman's bootcut leggings, the ones with pockets, gotta have pockets in my pants).

I like small floral prints, geometric prints, abstract prints, paisley prints in all of the colors mentioned for tops.

I don't do dresses or skirts, so I can't help you there.

Sleepwear is another story. I'm also not into the sexy stuff. I like the t-shirt knit nightgowns in waltz length, short sleeves or sleeveless (all year 'round), and the nylon gowns made the same way are also nice. Same colors/prints as for the tops are good, I'm not picky about my jammies.

Chenille, terry cloth, or velour robes are nice, and the length can be knee or longer, depending on time of year and weight of fabric. I like solid colors for the robes, again in the jewel tones (turquoise, teal, purple, royal blue, burgundy, red, jade).

My measurements are: bust - 62"
waist - 58"
hips - 62"
inseam - 32"
bra - 52H

Hope this is helpful to you, and if you keep checking back for the next couple of days or so, I'm sure some of my readers will have more ideas for you.

It pays to be proactive with your health

Ok, I made my ex-doctor (before I fired her) give me a referral to an endocrinologist (one that I picked out), and it's a damned good thing I did. Even though all my thyroid hormone levels are normal, my thyroid is enlarged enough that, with the family history of thyroid cancer, the endo thinks it's a good idea to have my thyroid removed.
Dr A and I had a long talk about my weight, and she really understands, a lot better than Dr W ever did. Dr A agrees with Dr W that calories in/out works, but only for some people. Dr A said that genetics can interfere with that, and if there are a lot of fat people in your family, you can end up being fat and there isn't much you can do about it other than eat healthfully and exercise, which isn't going to make you lose weight, but will help you stay healthy. When I told her that all the women in our family, both sides, start out average-sized, then get fat when they have kids and get fatter as they age, but live to their mid/late-80s, she said that I shouldn't worry so much about my weight, but worry more about whether my other numbers are good and if my heart and lungs are functioning the way they should. Which was rather refreshing to hear, ya know? And that was the first doctor's office I've ever been to that actually had gowns that fit me and chairs that didn't dig into my hips/thighs when I sat in them. It was a totally awesome experience.
There isn't any way to shrink my thyroid and it will only keep getting bigger, which can cause a lot of problems farther down the road. She scheduled me for another thyroid ultrasound, which I had done yesterday. They called with the results today, and if it weren't for the fact that I have a consultation with a surgeon next week about removing my thyroid, they would want to do a biopsy of the mass they found at the back of my thyroid. It's not a nodule, they aren't sure what it is, but since the thyroid is coming out, no biopsy is necessary. Thank you Dr W for blowing off my concerns about my thyroid.....NOT. And thank you, Dr A, for taking me seriously and checking things out further.
I also saw Dr J today, he's my orthopedic doc that takes care of my arthritis. He couldn't believe that Dr W wouldn't prescribe anything stronger than relafen for my knee. So he gave me a prescription for Celebrex to see how that works for me. He did say that I'm looking at having my knee replaced some time in the near future. He told me that it would be 3 days in the hospital, then maybe a week in a nursing home. I told him I thought I could probably come home from the hospital, after all, we have a handicapped toilet and shower, I have a walker already, and I can sleep in my recliner until I can do the stairs to the bedroom in the basement. And there are no other stairs in the house that I would have to do right away, and no steps into the house. Best of all, my weight isn't even a concern for him as far as doing the surgery (is he an awesome doctor or what).
I also have an appointment next week with the gynecologist to check out the bleeding. Now that's been going on for 2 1/2 years, and started back when I was taking Cymbalta and relafen (and vaginal bleeding is a side effect of those two drugs interacting with each other). Even though I quit taking the Cymbalta 4 months ago, the bleeding didn't stop (it's been an on-and-off thing all this time and Dr W has never followed up on it since I first mentioned it to her, other than having me see the gynecologist 2 1/2 years ago for an endometrial biopsy, which came back negative). So, even though that biopsy was negative, and bleeding is a side effect of the 2 drugs I was taking, she's just sure I have endometrial cancer and need another biopsy done. Yeah, having one of those done is just so easy with a stenotic cervix (it hurts, let me tell you). But I'm having it done, just in case something has changed. And if the gyno recommends a hysterectomy, I'm demanding that it all come out, ovaries too, since ovarian cancer killed my mother and several other relatives on her side of the family. I'm not going to piss around with it, if he wants to take out part of it, it all comes out. I'm done taking advice that I don't think is good for me.

Letter to my ex-doctor

I've had time to think since I walked out on my doctor on the 10th, and I composed a letter to her today. I'll be sending it to her on Friday. I don't expect a response from her, but I want her to know why I won't be coming back to see her anymore. The letter follows:



Re: Office visit Nov 10, 2010

Dr W,

I've had some time to think since I saw you on November 10th, and there are some things I think you need to hear. Since you don't seem to listen to me when I'm talking to you in person, maybe you'll listen to what I have to say when I'm putting it down in black and white and you can't interrupt me with your preconceived lipophobic ideas.

First of all, I have been fat for over 30 years of my life, and every doctor I've ever seen has told me that, like I'm stupid and can't tell that I'm fat.

Second – I've dieted and lost weight, that's not the hard part. The hard part is maintaining that weight loss, and that's where medical science, doctors, diets, drugs, and surgery have failed me (note: I'm not the one who failed here, I tried, it was the methods used that failed, not I that failed). In the end, all those methods of weight loss did nothing for me but make me fatter and worsen my health and well-being in the long run.

Third – You tell me that it's just a matter of eating less and moving more. Fine. I want to know how I'm supposed to exercise when I'm in excruciating pain after standing for less than 5 minutes or walking for less than 1 minute when you refuse to prescribe anything for pain that's stronger than relafen (which doesn't even begin to touch the pain I have).

Fourth – You say I probably have fibromyalgia, but you aren't willing to do anything to try and treat it. I asked for a referral to a rheumatologist, and you told me there was a 6-month wait, and I got no referral and I'm still in pain. You haven't suggested a pain clinic or anything but weight loss.

Fifth – You said you would send me to an in-patient weight loss clinic. You act like I don't have a life, that I can just up and leave my husband, my house, and my pets for a couple of months. My husband has type 2 diabetes and I'm the one who plans the meals and the grocery list to control his diabetes. I give him his insulin shots and I'm the one who knows how much he needs of each insulin. I also do the budget and pay all the bills for the household – my husband doesn't have a clue how to do any of that. I balance the checkbook online. If I'm gone for a month or more, there is no one to do any of that for him, but you seem to think that's fine, as long as I lose weight. No thank you, I'm not up for another failed diet attempt, been there done that too many times.

Sixth – Did you even realize the congnitive dissonance in your statement that you know that weight loss surgery doesn't work for everyone but you think that putting me on another diet will work? What part of “I had a VBG, lost weight, and gained back more than I lost”, which is definitely a plan with calorie deficit in mind, do you not understand? Why do you think that another diet will work when weight loss surgery didn't? Do you just keep pushing “calories in/out, eat less/move more” because you don't have any other ideas? Look up the study that Stunkard and McLaren-Hume did back in 1959 about the efficacy of weight loss diets. Look up the studies done by Kramer, et al, Stalonas, et al, and Graham, et al. Every one of those studies shows that diets don't work for at least 95% of people in the long term. The Stunkard study has been around for more than 50 years, probably longer than you've been alive, and you're still recommending something that doesn't work, along with most of the other doctors out there. Talk about insanity. If you don't have a solution that works better than a diet, then I suggest you don't push diets and focus more on what can be done to improve your patients' health. Are they eating a wide variety of foods, do they move their bodies in ways that they enjoy, are their numbers good? If the answers to all those questions are yes, then they don't need to lose weight, and you need to look for the real cause of whatever problem they're presenting to you instead of blaming it on their fat.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result every time. Sorry, I've stopped the insanity of dieting. Every time I've dieted, no matter what method I've used, it's failed. Why should I keep trying the same thing over and over again, when I have more than enough experience to know that, in the long run, it won't work? Have you ever had to diet to lose weight? And I'm not talking 5 or 10 pounds here, I'm talking 50 pounds or more. If you haven't had to lose that much weight and try to keep it off forever, you don't know what you're talking about when you say it's calories in/calories out, eat less/exercise more. I don't care that you're a doctor and went to medical school, you haven't lived it so you don't know what it's like to be called a liar and told that your experiences don't matter or aren't real.

When this is what one hears from doctors one's entire life, is it any wonder that one gets fed up and says “No more, I've had enough!” and walks out? This is why I hadn't been to a doctor for so many years when I first came to see you, and it's why I won't be back to see you again. I'm tired of being discounted and told that if I would just lose weight, all my problems would magically disappear.
Been there done that, and guess what? I was still in pain.

Sincerely,



M W

ETA: I added some information about studies to item 6 in the letter, and changed it from probably won't be back to see her to won't be back to see her before I printed and sent the letter to my ex-doctor.

My doctor sucks and is no longer my doctor

Well, I made an appointment to see Dr W today and ended up walking out before it was over. I went to see her because I've been having vaginal bleeding, off and on, for the last 2 1/2 years. I saw the clinic's gynecologist 2 1/2 years ago when the bleeding first started, after the dildo cam couldn't find anything. The gynecologist didn't find anything either when he did the endometrial biopsy.
I've been taking Relafen for arthritis pain, and Cymbalta for depression/fibromyalgia for almost 3 years, and last week I googled drug interactions for those 2 particular drugs. Guess what one of the side effects is? Vaginal bleeding. Now, I quit taking the Cymbalta about 4 months ago because of the side effects it has on one's sex drive (and most antidepressants will kill your sex drive, so you get to choose between being depressed and having sex, or not being depressed and not feeling like having sex - some choice). But the vaginal bleeding, off and on, didn't stop. So I googled Relafen and side effects from it, and vaginal bleeding is one of them (granted, it's not a common side effect, but it does happen).
So I go in and tell my doctor all this, and what does she say? "I don't think the relafen is causing the bleeding, I think you need to see the gynecologist for another endometrial biopsy to rule out endometrial cancer." I ask her about the fact that the gyno said my cervix was stenotic, and she said that's not a factor, that I could still be bleeding from my uterus (all this without doing an exam). I told her that I had stopped taking the relafen, and hadn't been taking any NSAIDs that acted as blood thinners because of the bleeding, and would she prescribe something else for the arthritis pain. That I was tired of being in pain all the time and the relafen just wasn't working all that well. She said she wouldn't prescribe narcotics - I wasn't fucking asking for narcotics, I was asking for something that worked better than relafen or ibuprofen and she wouldn't even consider anything else. She said maybe it was time to see the orthopaedist again and see what he had to say about my knee if the cortisone shots and Syn-Visc shots weren't working, maybe he needs to scope my knee. WTFE, I'll make an appointment with him and see what he'll prescribe for the pain, he may be more reasonable than she is (he usually is pretty good, and doesn't seem to be fat-phobic).
So I asked her about the fibromyalgia pain too. I told her my body felt like one big bruise and that it hurt for the cat to walk across my legs, and that shouldn't hurt (granted, Marty is a 15 lb cat, but still). That I was tired of being in pain all the time. By this time, I was in tears, because she was basically ignoring anything I had to say, like I didn't know my own body, and didn't know what I was talking about. She said that I could get mad at her, but my weight was causing a lot of my pain and if I would just lose weight, the pain would go away. I asked her what more I was supposed to do - diets hadn't worked, phen-fen hadn't worked, and the WLS hadn't worked. I want to know since when has it been that being fat caused fibromyalgia and arthritis? If being fat causes those diseases, then why do thin people get them?
She said she'd send me to an in-patient program to lose weight, and I lost it. I said "I've had it, I'm done with this." I got up and walked out and I'm not going back to see her ever again. I'm done being blown off and treated like a child who doesn't know shit from shinola. She doesn't seem to give a shit that I'm in pain all the damned time, all she sees is a fat woman who refuses to diet and get thin to suit her idea of "healthy" (BTW, my blood pressure was 124/67 this morning and my weight was the same as it has been for the last 3 years). So fuck her and the horse she rode in on and the fleas that rode in on it. I'm looking for a new doctor and she can take her "healthist" attitude and shove it up her ass.

ETA: For the privilege of being treated like a child and having my concerns blown off, and being told that if I'd just lose weight my pain would go away, my insurance is being charged $135.00 (and we wonder why health care is so expensive.....)

That's it, I'm fucking done with this shit.

Edited to add: If anyone on the Illinois side of the family is reading this, don't take it out on my son. He has nothing to do with this, my opinions are not his opinions, and he has no say over what I publish on my blog. And really, family, get over yourselves already. You've got your knickers all in a knot over what I post on my blog because you think everyone in Pana is reading my blog and they'll know all the family dirty laundry. Do you really think our family is all that interesting? Only if you're in love with soap operas. As for all the shit that went down when I was a kid, I'm sorry, but it was known among the people who knew Mom how she treated me. How do I know this? When I was an adult, I don't know how many people came up to me and told me it was a shame that my mother abused me (these were people who babysat us kids, were neighbors, etc). So anything I've posted on here about Mom is old news. Get over it already.

I tried to call my aunt today because I was told she was mad at me, about the shit that went down with my niece. Well, she only has my niece's side of the story and I wanted to tell her my side of the story.
I hadn't said anything to her about any of this bullshit because she was in the hospital recuperating from the accident and I figured she didn't need to deal with family drama on top of everything else. But no, my niece had to stir a turd and go tell my aunt her side of the story and make me out to be the big bad bitch, saying I told everyone in the town where they live all the family dirty laundry. Supposedly all of this was posted on Facebook (my niece unfriended me, BTW).
My niece was the first one to post anything on Facebook, in a passive aggressive way, about me duping her (because I'm not devastated by my mother's death). All I said on Facebook was that she was talking about me, that she didn't really want to go there on Facebook, and if she did, I would air the dirty laundry there. That if she wanted to cut me out of her life, to go ahead and do it, that I had lived without her in my life for 17 years, I could live without her in my life for the rest of my life. That anyone who knew my mother (her precious grandmother) knew how she was and wouldn't be surprised by anything I had to say. Or words to that effect. But I did not air any dirty laundry on Facebook at that time.
So I called my aunt today to talk to her about all this shit. All I got to hear from her was how disappointed she was in me, that they had to live in that town. When I told her Traci started the shit on Facebook, she hung up on me. This is the aunt that stuck up for me against my mother, says she loves me, but won't listen to my side of the story. I guess I'm supposed to forget 40 years of abuse like it never happened, let my niece take over abusing me where my mother left off, and not say a word about it. Well fuck that shit. I worked too goddamned hard to get away from that kind of abuse and find my self-esteem and I'll be damned if I'm going back to it.
I cut my mother out of my life because of her abuse of me, and NONE of my family gave enough of a shit about me to call me or look for me or write to me, not even my aunt, when I left Illinois 17 years ago. If I want contact with my aunt, I have to call her, even though she's had my phone number for years (every time my phone number changes, I call her with the new number). In 17 years, I can count on the fingers of ONE fucking hand, with fingers left over, how many times she's called me. As for the rest of the family, they've never called me (well, Traci called to tell me Mom had died, BFD). They called a couple of times to let me know how Dad was doing after the accident, now I hear nothing from them about how he's doing because they're all pissed off at me over what I said to Traci (my niece). I'm sorry, if the truth about my mother hurts, TOUGH SHIT, BITCHES! I had to live through that shit for 40 fucking years, none of them have the right to tell me I can't talk about it on my blog or anywhere else, for that matter; none of them lived through it, none of them know what it was like. It just happens to be common knowledge in that town that my mother was a bitch and abused me when I was a kid - if they want to hide their heads in the sand about it and think it's forgotten, well, sorry, everybody else might have forgotten it, but it's something I'll never forget and I don't think it's something I'll ever get over, no matter how hard I try (and believe me, if 10 years of therapy couldn't do it, I don't think anything can).
So you know what, family? You can all SHUT THE FUCK UP! You don't really give a shit about me, you never have and you aren't going to convince me otherwise. The only person in the family in Illinois that I care about now is my dad, the rest of you can do whatever you want. I have my family up here and they're all I need now. I thought I needed you guys in my life, but I don't need more abuse and more bullshit. If you can't face facts, and want to think everything has always been fine and dandy, then go for it. But I know what the truth is, I've faced it, and I'm trying to deal with it, and most of the time, I deal with it just fine - until I run into people who deny the reality of my existence. Well, get over it. It was real, it happened, and I'm going to continue to talk about it.
You think these things need to be hidden and kept quiet so that no one knows, because it shames you. You should be ashamed, you let it happen and didn't do a damned thing to stop it. For years I thought I deserved the abuse, that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough. That if I could just change, the abuse would stop. Yeah, right. It wasn't something wrong with me, it was something wrong with the person who was abusing me.
The more people speak out about abuse, the more people who are being abused will know that it's not something they deserve to have happen to them. Then maybe people who are being abused will find the strength somewhere to leave their abusers, get help, and find a way to make a joyful life for themselves. You seem to think I'm blogging about this to make your lives hell, but really, I think about your lives just about as much as you think about mine - in other words - not at all.
And you know, it just hit me, I think y'all just might be a bit jealous. I left Illinois 17 years ago and made a life for myself and basically told Mom to fuck off. You all stayed there and kept kissing her ass so she wouldn't treat you the way she treated me. That's really a sorry way to have to live your life. And when she was dying, and you knew she was dying, you kept right on kissing her ass. You all kept asking her if you should call me and let me know that she was dying and she said "What for?" Even though you all thought I should be there, or at least be told, NONE of you had the balls to go against her and call me until she was dead. WTF could she have done to you if you had called me against her wishes? You didn't have to tell her you had called. Did you really think I would have come down there? And if I came down there, did you really think I would have made a scene? Come on, you can give me more credit than that. I might be a bitch, but I'm not that big a bitch. If I had come down there and she had said she didn't want to see me, or had said anything nasty to me, I would have said "Sorry you feel that way" and walked out. I tried twice to make up with her, and she wasn't having any part of it, so why would this time have been any different? And why would I have made things hard on Dad? Making a scene with her would have made things hard on him and I have no reason to do that to him. Which is why I was civil to everyone at the memorial service. Yeah, it would have looked real good if I had gone around singing "Ding dong, the witch is dead" wouldn't it? You all said it was so great to have me back in the family, but you want me back in the family on your terms, which means I have to toe the line just like I did when Mom was alive. Sorry, I quit toeing that line 17 years ago, and I'm not going to start toeing it again just to be part of a family that never really wanted me in the first place.

All I ever wanted.....

Ya know, all I ever wanted was to fit in. To be accepted and loved for who I was, to be viewed as a worthwhile person, in spite of my flaws. And I do have flaws, boy, do I have flaws. I wish I didn't, but some of those flaws are not my fault, they're the result of things that were done to me as a child, and later on as a teenager and an adult. It's water under the bridge and can't be changed. I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely let go of the anger and pain - it seems that every time I have, something happens to bring it all back again (and maybe I hadn't let it go, maybe I'd just buried it).
But, I've never felt like I've fit in anywhere, and I've always felt like the odd man out in any setting I've ever been in. There's a saying that family has to take you in when no one else will. That's true, in a way. It may not be the family you're born into, it may be the family you've built for yourself through friendships and marriage (and sometimes, that family is closer than the family you were born into).
I'm going to consider myself lucky that I have my dad back in my life, I've had my aunt in my life for quite a few years now, and I'm getting to know my cousin again. I think they accept me for who I am and love me anyway (at least I hope they do, I know I love them, a lot). And I'm certainly lucky to have my husband. He loves me just the way I am and accepts me, flaws and all, and I love him, flaws and all. I have my son in my life and I love him and his wife, too. I have grandkids in my life and I love them and they love me. So I guess I've finally found that place where I fit in and am loved and accepted by the ones who really matter to me. It's not completely the family I was born into, it's partly my birth family and partly the family I've made for myself, but it's mine and it's where I fit, finally.

Taking charge of my health - in spite of my doctor

Got home from vacation last week - went to see my dad in Illinois and caught up on family news. Also found out more about our family health history, and what I learned didn't make me happy with my doctor.
Now, Dr W knows that my paternal grandfather had thyroid cancer and my mother had hypothyroid problems. She knows my thyroid is enlarged and I have several nodules. What tests has she ordered to check my thyroid function? TSH and that's it - she thinks that's the only one that's necessary, even with the family history she has and the results of the thyroid ultrasound scan. I've been trying to get Dr W to do further testing of my thyroid, but she says it's not needed right now, my TSH levels aren't high enough (at 3.5, I think she said). So I decided, fuck her, I'm going to find an endocrinologist and get this checked out on my own. Well, guess what - can't do that. Have to have a referral from Dr W. So I called and set up the appointment with her for next week to tell her I want a referral to this certain endocrinologist (who is taking new patients and takes TriCare and Medicare, thank Maude, I love my Google-fu). She's going to have order a pre-T3, pre-T4, and another TSH. Then she's going to have to fax the results of those, my demographics, any progress notes, and my thyroid scan to the endo. I have a feeling Dr W is not going to be happy about that, but I don't really give a rat's ass. It's my health she's pissing around with, and I don't want to end up like my grandfather - 85 years old, with thyroid cancer so advanced that it can't all be removed because if they took it all, he wouldn't be able to talk or swallow. He was told afterward that even with chemo, he only had 3 - 5 months to live (he fooled them, he stuck around for another 5 years).
So, I also found out that my maternal grandmother had to have B-12 injections, as did one of her sons and my mother (yeah, that's good news for me, what with having had WLS....NOT). Lovely news, that. Luckily for me, I've been taking sublingual B-12 for the last 6 months or so, hoping it would help with fibromyalgia symptoms, so hopefully that will help.
Then, I was reading on the Yahoo support group for WLS survivors that some of us are ending up with MS after 10 to 15 years or so. Just what I needed to hear, especially since my neurologist had brought that possibility up last year when I had the MRI done for my migraines - she found a couple of lesions that could mean MS and wanted to do another MRI in a year to see if there was any progression. Well, it's been more than a year, I think (I've slept at least a couple of times since then, and my memory just isn't the greatest when it comes to what happened when anymore). Since I have to see her next month after I have the EMG to see why the carpal tunnel surgery didn't solve the problem of the numbness in my right hand, I'll ask her about it then.
I keep telling myself that I don't have it as bad as other survivors of WLS, that I don't have as many of the debilitating complications as they have - but I tell you what, if I had had any idea of how fucked up our family medical history is and what the real complications of WLS are (the ones that they don't tell you about when they're getting you to sign on the dotted line for having the damned surgery), I would have told my nurse practitioner to stick it in her ass. That I'd stay fat and suffer with fucked up knees and fight to get them replaced when necessary instead of having to deal with all the shit I'm having to deal with now.

Roaman's latest catalog has 2 pages of FAIL!

I got Roaman's latest catalog in the mail today, the one that expires 10/1/10. There is a section in it for plus+ size living presented by Brylane Home. Now that's all well and good. There's a lot of good stuff in there - chairs that will support up to 500 lbs, wider hangers for clothing, fanny packs that fit up 72" waists - you get the idea. I don't have a problem with any of that. It's a good idea, and I can deal with that and might even order some of the stuff one of these days, if I have a need for any of it. What chaps my ass though, are the two pages devoted to kitchen items from Biggest Loser (yeah, the TV program that hates fat people and wants to do away with us). WTF is up with that, Roaman's! I mean, really. You're marketing plus-size clothing to fat women and you have the unmitigated gall to throw in diet apparatus from Biggest Loser in your clothing catalog? Ya know, as much as I like your denim boot cut leggings, I can get them at Woman Within, in the same colors and same sizes, for the same fucking price, and not have to deal with looking at shit merchandise from Biggest Loser, a show that hates fat people and wants to make us disappear, and treats us like shit.
I'm seriously considering not buying from you anymore.

ETA: I went to Roaman's website and found their Contact Us form. I contacted them all right. Below is a copy of what I had to say to them on their contact form:

I received a catalog from you, expiration date of 10/1/10, with a section of plus size living presented by Brylane Home. I don't have a problem with that. The problem I have is with the 2 pages of products that are The Biggest Loser (TM) branded items.
I don't watch that show because of the way they treat fat people - the disrespect, the unsafe dietary practices, and the over-exercising that they recommend for weight loss, all of which are unsustainable in the long run and can do damage to one's body, not to mention to one's mental and emotional health. This is a program that hates fat people, wants us to disappear, and you're putting their products in your catalog of clothing for fat women (and yes, I identify as a fat woman, I'm not "plus size" or any other euphemism, I'm fat, it's a descriptive word, not a pejorative word). That is so many kinds of wrong, I can't even begin to list them all.
I buy all of my boot cut leggings from you because I like the quality, the fit, and the price. But, since you are going to have The Biggest Loser (TM) merchandise in your catalog, I'll have to find those leggings elsewhere. I refuse to patronize a retailer who has so little regard for its target demographic.

I'll update this if I hear anything back from Roaman's.