Thursday, September 23, 2010

All I ever wanted.....

Ya know, all I ever wanted was to fit in. To be accepted and loved for who I was, to be viewed as a worthwhile person, in spite of my flaws. And I do have flaws, boy, do I have flaws. I wish I didn't, but some of those flaws are not my fault, they're the result of things that were done to me as a child, and later on as a teenager and an adult. It's water under the bridge and can't be changed. I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely let go of the anger and pain - it seems that every time I have, something happens to bring it all back again (and maybe I hadn't let it go, maybe I'd just buried it).
But, I've never felt like I've fit in anywhere, and I've always felt like the odd man out in any setting I've ever been in. There's a saying that family has to take you in when no one else will. That's true, in a way. It may not be the family you're born into, it may be the family you've built for yourself through friendships and marriage (and sometimes, that family is closer than the family you were born into).
I'm going to consider myself lucky that I have my dad back in my life, I've had my aunt in my life for quite a few years now, and I'm getting to know my cousin again. I think they accept me for who I am and love me anyway (at least I hope they do, I know I love them, a lot). And I'm certainly lucky to have my husband. He loves me just the way I am and accepts me, flaws and all, and I love him, flaws and all. I have my son in my life and I love him and his wife, too. I have grandkids in my life and I love them and they love me. So I guess I've finally found that place where I fit in and am loved and accepted by the ones who really matter to me. It's not completely the family I was born into, it's partly my birth family and partly the family I've made for myself, but it's mine and it's where I fit, finally.


  1. I've always been convinced that home is a place we make for ourselves. I'm glad you've found yours :).

  2. I think I have some of what you've got. I find myself rethinking the past and my experiences more often than I own up to and I have to admit, it contributes to who I am today. I'm not happy about that because some of those past experiences were not pleasant nor were the healthy.
    I HAVE found, though, that I have gotten better at realizing that I am in that mode. That I have shifted away from the now---having loving and healthy relationships---and back into that role I played in my earlier years. It's a challenge when you've been wounded because you never forget that scar. But the real challenge...the one worth every ounce of your energy (and I'm talking to myself here) is the one that keeps you focused on who you are today. I realized that life is full of transitions. Every stage of my life merits a rethinking of my history. College, marriage, children, illness, middle age, deaths in the family. All of those times of transition require some kind of resurrection of my past. I think it's natural to reflect on where we've been to determine who we are today. My problem is not letting it get too big and take hold of my today. That's when I start to believe again that I am that wounded person who will never amount to anything. I find I am always checking myself, my motives, my relationships, my beliefs, and I strive to keep myself grounded in the reality of my life today. I think this is something I will always do...and that's ok. It's necessary for me so that I keep moving forward. But one thing I know to be true now....there are always going to be times when I don't feel like I fit in. There are always going to be people who won't accept me as I am today. And there's not a damn thing I can do about that, so I might as well just accept it and move on. There are certain people, beliefs, and situations that I myself don't accept or why beat myself up when others do it to me?
    What matters most to me are the people and relationships in my life today. And that's enough.

    Just my thoughts....hang in there Mariellen. I like who you are!

  3. Regina - Thank you, you've hit the nail on the head for me. That's what I've been doing, too often, shifting away from the now of my happy family life and back into the days of not fitting in. You're right, I do need to keep focused on who I am today and not let how I got here overcome me. I keep saying that although I don't like all the experiences I've gone through in my life and would rather not have lived through some of them, those experiences are what has made me the person I am, and I do like who I am now, finally (I've actually been able to say that for about the last 4 or 5 years, I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact).
    I'm hanging in there, there isn't anything else to do. I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me give up (did I mention that I'm stubborn?). I'm also a survivor, I've proved that :)

  4. TropicalChrome - I have found my home, at last, and it's a good place to be.

  5. I have to third(?) TropicalChrome, I couldn't have put it better. Reading so many loves made me fill up a bit. I didn't cry though, I'm tuff!!

  6. I can relate Vesta. So glad your dad is back in your life and your cousin. Hope you know you are loved and accepted on this front.

  7. wriggles - LOL :) We're all tuff! (even when we cry, we're still tuff 'cause we still go on with our lives, while we're crying, and once the crying is done)

  8. Kat - Thanks, I know you know where I'm coming from, girlfriend. And the love and acceptance is returned :)

  9. Glad you are getting in touch and closer to family members. This society makes it hard, too much social disconnect. I really regret a move I made a few years ago under economic duress and miss too many people, my family does keep contact with me, but I got very sad yesterday realizing brother got very sick in hospital and I found this out from Facebook!

    Yes we all have flaws, realize this applies to everyone, and try to forgive others theirs, as you hope they forgive yours! LOL

  10. Five Hundred Pound Peep - It's not society that's made it hard to stay in contact with family, it's family that's made it hard (why keep writing when they won't write back, why call when they won't call in return, why visit when they won't visit, etc). When you have to be the one that makes the majority of the effort to keep in touch, after a while, you wonder why the hell you even bother, because you know if you don't make the effort to contact them, they sure as hell aren't going to make the effort to contact you. And you know what, at this stage in my life, with the disabilities I have, and the problems I have, I just don't have the time or the energy to really give a shit about people who don't care enough about me to make an effort to keep in touch with me. I have better things to do with my time than worry about what they think of me, because I know, for the most part, they aren't thinking about me at all. Which is fine, I'm used to it, it's been that way for the last 30 years, at least, so things aren't going to change any time soon, that's for sure (it was that way when I lived in the same state as family, and it's been that way ever since I moved 600 miles away, 17 years ago).
    You can't pick the family you're born into, but you can pick the family end up spending the rest of your life with, and I've surrounded myself with good family, them and my dad, aunt, and cousin are all I need in my life now.

  11. Vesta,

    I'm sorry you are facing that. My life has been kind of tough ever since an ill-fated move from a small town I loved [have friends from Facebook on there] I loved to affluent town. I want to move back and husband doesn't.

    My family is so spread out and miles away, its hard, they are good about calling but when you see people only a few times a year, you do become strangers. I had the bad experience of finding out brother was in for surgery via Facebook. It sounds like you have reached out and they have blown you off. From my experience, many fat people and especially super-fat people can be abandoned and even ostracized by family members. This happens especially to the disabled too, overweight or not. There are relatives who have cut me off. I had to let one aunt go after finding out I sent her a painting and presents trying to be nice, and she just shoved the box in a closet and never opened it. Havent talked to her in two years. Its hard but I had to come to conclusion not to go to empty wells, and people who make it clear they don't want you around. I know it is very tough, so will pray for you. I'm glad you have a few relatives sticking by your size. Some people can get a "family of friends" I had a good church family in my old town, that were there for me for many years. I'm hoping I can rebuild or get back some of these type of connections or same ones. Modern life is really going to a scary place of social disconnection.


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