Friday, June 25, 2010

Need to vent - extended family sucks!

Right now, I don't care if DH's ex-family reads this or not. I'm so pissed off at most of them that I could spit nails.

Some background info - One of DH's stepsons (K) is married, but legally separated from his wife (J). They have 2 girls (aged 10 and 11 years). K and J were in the process of getting a divorce, K had a girlfriend, J has a boyfriend, so both of them were moving on with their lives.

K got sick, ended up in the hospital, and it's serious. He's been diagnosed with ADEM, which is a brain infection (acute disseminated encephalomyelitis). Treatment for it is either steroids (he can't take those, he's allergic) or blood transfusions and plasma infusions. The doctors have said his recovery could take 2 to 5 years and they don't expect him to make a full recovery (so the divorce is on hold for now).

Right now, he's in the nursing home attached to our local hospital. He can't walk on his own (one side of his body is very weak), and he can't communicate other than to say yes, no, what, really, and fuck you. And those aren't always said in the appropriate circumstances. He can't even write his name or anything else right now.

So why does this whole situation have me so pissed off? His wife is doing everything she can to make sure that he's taken care of properly, and is signing over all rights for his medical power of attorney to his oldest brother (B), so that the rest of the family can't say that she's taking advantage of K's vulnerability. What's the rest of the family doing? Well, for people who didn't do much visiting with K when he was well, they're really concerned about him now, but not so concerned that any of them are willing to step up to the plate and take care of his bills or offer to take him in and take care of him (other than the 2 oldest brothers). All they can do is bitch about how they don't trust his wife to handle the money from the up-coming benefit (that her friends are setting up) for K, and if she has access to that account, some of them refuse to contribute. This is in spite of the fact that, even though they are legally separated, she has to carry him on her health insurance at her place of employment. Which means she has to pay premiums and co-pays out of her paycheck. She's signed K up for SSDI, but the nursing home will take all of that. But evidently K's family don't think that J is entitled to take any money donated at the benefit to cover co-pays on K's medical bills.

All this backstabbing and bitching is going on on Facebook, and since DH and I have friended most of them (well, all but his ex-wife, K's mom, I was friends with her on FB and she unfriended me, now all of a sudden, since K is in the nursing home in our town and we can go see him more often than anyone else, she wants to be friends again), this shit shows up on my wall every fucking day. I keep telling myself, stay out of it, you aren't related to any of them, you don't owe any of them anything.

The thing is, J and I get along, K and DH get along, and whatever happened in their marriage is between them, none of my business (yeah, J and I talked about their problems, and I told her "do what's best for you and the girls and don't worry about what anyone else thinks, they don't have to live your life, you do").

I told K's twin sister in a FB message (she tried to drag me into the fighting) that none of them should care who is doing what for K, as long as it gets done, and it's in K's best interest. But I don't think any of them are really thinking about K at all. If they were, they wouldn't be posting this shit on Facebook for him to see, and he will see it when he gets better. They aren't taking into consideration how he's going to feel when he reads the shit they've said about his wife, especially after all she's been doing for him, nor are they thinking about how he's going feel about seeing the pictures they've taken of him while he's sick and they've posted on FB. All they're thinking about is how this affects them, they don't care how it's affecting J or K or their daughters.

But DH and I will be there for J, K, and the girls - the rest of the family can go fuck themselves for all I care. And I thought my family had problems..............


  1. Stupid FB wrecked my oldest friendship. So I know exactly where you are coming from. Can you set their statuses on ignore so they don't appear on your wall? Or would you rather keep an eye on things so you know what's going on? Ugh, how terrible. ((HUGS))

  2. I'd rather keep an eye on what's going on, just so I'm not blindsided by any zie said/zie said shit, ya know? But thanks, I'm trying to ignore it all, and consider the source, and all that.
    I have to say - I think Facebook can bring out the best in some people, but it sure as hell can bring out the worst in others.

  3. FB, like much of the internet gives mean people and opportunity to spew their hate. I have pretty much given up on FB. I got in touch with a few old friends and that was great so I am keeping it for that reason. Can you ask them or somehow cajole them into removing the awful pictures? That is so sad. K doesn't have to read any of it if he doesn't want. Their may be genuine well wishers but I am not sure if they are worth the hurt and aggravation he will face. His # 1 job is to heal.

    Those people sound like complete narcissists as they are using someone else's problem to create drama for themselves. You are right, they don't care, they just want to be involved to satisfy their own needs.

  4. me said...
    You are right the only person that's best interests here are K's. I was in a similar situation when my husband had a brain infection from cancer and was paralyzed and then passed, he was 41. His family was never there except his daughter and his mom. His own son went on vacation for most of the time my husband was in ICU. I made all the decisions and got him some of the best doctors in the world while his family just did nothing. Family is not a blood line its a person that helps to take and love someone no matter what and my hat is off to you.
    (eta by vesta44 - it's been a rough day, I accidentally hit Reject instead of Publish so I'm doing a copy and paste, sorry bout that to OC)

  5. Tamara - It wouldn't do me any good to ask them to remove the pictures, I don't mean anything to any of them so have no influence over their actions (if I did, they'd be getting earfuls instead of me venting on my blog about their

    me - Sorry I hit the 'Reject this comment' instead of 'Publish this comment'. It's been a long, rough day and I've had just about all the bullshit I can take from K's family and his GF today (I know she supposedly loves K, but she was thrown out of the nursing home last week for giving him a hand job, and now, when she knows his daughters are there visiting, she calls them on their cell phones so she can talk to K since she's been banned from the nursing home). I hate it when adults drag kids into matters that shouldn't concern them. Not to mention that, right now, K is classified as a vulnerable adult and what she was doing was sexual assault (at least, that's the way I see it). And she wouldn't leave when the nurses told her to, so the police had to be called to escort her out. What a fucking mess.

  6. Talk about stressful. Oy, it's hard not to disown them all I imagine.


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