I had the ultrasounds on my carotid arteries and thyroid today. The good news is that my carotid arteries are clear and I have a good, strong heartbeat (I knew that), so my cholesterol must be pretty good, no plaque in my arteries at all. Bad news is that my thyroid is enlarged, more so on the right side than the left (and I knew that too, since when I try to sleep on my right side, it feels like something is trying to block my airway and makes it hard to breathe unless I tip my head back). I also have a nodule on the left side. Don't have a clue what that means, and don't know when I'll find out. Dr W should have the results of the ultrasounds back by 3 pm tomorrow afternoon, but if she doesn't call that afternoon or Friday morning, I won't know anything until Monday (Mike and I have to go to Illinois for my mother's memorial service on Saturday, she died last Thursday morning). I swear, it never rains but what it freaking pours.
And I'm beginning to think I'm a piss-poor example of fat acceptance because I'm thinking this thyroid problem could be a blessing in disguise. If it's not serious, don't do anything about it until I've lost about 100 lbs or so, just because I'm so damned sick and tired of not being able to find bras to fit, not being able to find cute clothes at reasonable prices (yeah, I know, it's a vanity thing, but I'm sick of not being able to find what I want in a size to fit me, everything I like is just one or two sizes too small). If I could lose that much weight, maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain all the time either (and that alone would be worth it). It's not that I give a rat's ass what other people think of me and my fat, because I don't. If they don't like looking at my fat ass, don't look. And I know my body isn't going to look all that great naked if I do lose a lot of weight, I'll have all that loose skin hanging off me (I'll remind me of the saggy baggy elephant.....lol). And none of that matters. What will matter is how I will feel physically. Will my knees hurt less, will my back hurt less, will I be able to walk more, will I be able to do more things with my husband than I can do now? Will I have to worry about having another stroke (and I know it's probably not my being fat that caused it, but I still wonder, those voices are still there telling me that if I wasn't so freaking fat, this wouldn't have happened). None of this was going through my head until I had this mini-stroke and now I'm second-guessing myself and blaming myself for not trying harder to take better care of myself, even though I don't know what more I could have done, since I know dieting and WLS don't work for long-term, permanent, safe weight loss (and thyroid problems probably don't either). Shit, with everything that's going on, I'm feeling like a real dipshit right now.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
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Vesta, I've not been commenting much lately, but I'm reading. You have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteVesta, from everything of yours I have read, you have handled difficult situations and circumstances with determination and grace. It doesn't sound to me like you've done anything intentional to land where your body is now, in fact, you've tried many different things. Your fight to honor and accept yourself and be in loving relationship with your children and grandchildren really has shone through. Nothing about what you have written makes me think any less of you -- you are very far from to blame. I hope you are able to find things that make the pain easier to deal with, whatever those things might be.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely in my thoughts, too.
I hope you find out the results of your tests soon and that it doesn't add more stress to the boatloads you already have.
ReplyDeleteThose voices always seem to come back when life gets out of control, don't they? Insidious little buggers they are.
Hey, you're human, darlin. Don't be so hard on yourself. And I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteHey Vesta,
ReplyDeleteYou're going through the wars a bit Vesta, sending out positive )))vibrations((( to you.
In your feelings about your health, you are not alone. Just because the obesity crisis wallahs never stop to consider what it is to live with their endless badfinger pronoucements, doesn't mean it doesn't affect us.
Your feelings illustrate their irresponsibility, which doesn't show because they are the voice of the establishment, and we all know the establishment is the epitome of responsibility. Not.
Hell, there are times when I get a twinge on my left side and I wonder, is it my rib muscles again or this time heart? How many times when I'm exhausted do I think, just overdone it, or diabetes? Fug 'em.
We are affected by this and it often comes to the fore when we least need it.
Keep speaking the truth because your truth is that of many and you say so well.
Thank you guys, you are part of the reason I can keep on going like I do. When I get down on myself, I know I can post about it and get encouragement from y'all. Sometimes, that's all I need, just those kind words to remind me that I'm not alone, that there are a lot of us going through this shit, and we're all here for each other. It helps, believe me, it helps a lot (it also helps that my daughter-in-law called twice yesterday to see how I was doing after I called her to tell her what the doctor had said, and my son also called to make sure I was doing OK). So I know I'll get through this just like I get through everything else life throws at me, it just may take me a while to figure out how I'm going to do it. I will keep updating as I find things out and figure things out, though.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, it's great news to hear that your arteries are clear and your hearts seems to be fine! Chalk another one for the fatties, since you are LIVING PROOF that we fatties aren't walking around with clogged arteries just waiting for that heart attack. Victory! *raises fist*
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I am sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with your Mom, but it's always painful to lose a parent....I've lost both of mine..BEFORE I turned 40. Not the most accepting and loving parents, but mine nonetheless..and I truly miss them. *Heartfelt hugs*
Now, onto this thyroid thing. Here's the thing....you KNOW the research and science about weight loss that's out there. Hell...you even underwent WLS to achieve said weight loss. The fact is, that your efforts to LOSE weight created the perfect storm for you to GAIN weight and increase your setpoint. You did everything you could over the years to lose weight and you can hold your head high to any doctor, troll, family member, etc. who believes otherwise. YOUR WEIGHT HAS NO BEARING ON THE CONDITION OF YOUR THYROID! Many many many people have thyroid problems. My husband's cousin had most of hers removed due to thyroid cancer while she was in her 20s. She is not obese, but overweight...and struggles to lose weight today (despite my attempts to enlighten her on FA).
That being said....I can completely and utterly understand your frustrations about finding bras, clothing, and "feeling better"....I have them too. When I was just recently diagnosed (8 weeks ago) with hypothyroidism, a little voice inside me said "yippee! my weight problems are solved!". Two months later and a daily dose of Levoxythrin (sp) I haven't lost any weight. I just haven't. And that was disappointing, but reality for me. It's just part of my life now...and I can accept it because it doesn't define me.
Vesta, you have done more good with this blog than you will ever know. Your words, full of strength, determination, smart as hell, and boldly defiant inspire me, and I'm sure many others out there to question the nonsense, defy conventional stereotypes and prejudices, and just plain kick ass!
I'm sure, whatever the outcome is regarding your thyroid, you will face it with the same courage you show on this blog and in the world.
Hi Vesta,
ReplyDeleteI've just started reading your blog, but wanted to comment on this one since I deal with thyroid issues, too, I just wanted to pass along a good article and book recommendation. The article is this one from Women to Women -- A natural approach to hypothyroidism can work wonders -- What I like about the info from this clinic is that it is geared for women over 30 (for the most part) and for women in perimenopause. Marcelle Pick, OB/GYN NP, who wrote this article, also came out with this really wonderful book called the Core Balance Diet. It is all about balancing your hormones for optimal health and weight loss (though it is very different from a WW diet approach).
Well, just sending some healing vibes from another woman trying to achieve FA. Also, my condolences on your mom's passing.
All best,
Jacqueline Tourville
author, Big, Beautiful and Pregnant
Condolences on the loss of your mother.
ReplyDeleteThe thyroid issue could explain a lot of other things, ranging from bloating to miscellaneous aches and pains to headaches. It's surprising how much of an influence that one little gland has on the entire body. Hope the doctors are able to figure out what's wrong and fix it quickly.
Thank you all for your condolences. Mom and I didn't have the best of relationships, but I did go to her memorial service. I saw family members I haven't seen in 11 years, and some I hadn't seen in 20 or more years, and it was good getting to see all of them and get reacquainted. I'll be keeping in touch with my dad, so that's good, and DH and I will be going back down there occasionally to see him (DH really likes my dad and my brother, and my dad likes DH, so that's great, and I'm so glad that went well). We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday, so didn't have a lot of time to talk (but what time we were there was spent talking, I talk a lot most of the time, but I talked more this weekend than I have in a couple of years......LOL).
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to ask to have other thyroid tests done. Dr W thinks that because my TSH levels are normal, nothing is wrong with my thyroid being enlarged and having nodules. Of course, she doesn't know that my paternal grandfather had thyroid cancer and my mother had thyroid problems all her life too (and neither did I until I went to Illinois to my mother's memorial and had a chance to talk to my dad about our family's medical history). So just the TSH level being normal may not mean shit if other levels are out of whack.