I had the ultrasounds on my carotid arteries and thyroid today. The good news is that my carotid arteries are clear and I have a good, strong heartbeat (I knew that), so my cholesterol must be pretty good, no plaque in my arteries at all. Bad news is that my thyroid is enlarged, more so on the right side than the left (and I knew that too, since when I try to sleep on my right side, it feels like something is trying to block my airway and makes it hard to breathe unless I tip my head back). I also have a nodule on the left side. Don't have a clue what that means, and don't know when I'll find out. Dr W should have the results of the ultrasounds back by 3 pm tomorrow afternoon, but if she doesn't call that afternoon or Friday morning, I won't know anything until Monday (Mike and I have to go to Illinois for my mother's memorial service on Saturday, she died last Thursday morning). I swear, it never rains but what it freaking pours.
And I'm beginning to think I'm a piss-poor example of fat acceptance because I'm thinking this thyroid problem could be a blessing in disguise. If it's not serious, don't do anything about it until I've lost about 100 lbs or so, just because I'm so damned sick and tired of not being able to find bras to fit, not being able to find cute clothes at reasonable prices (yeah, I know, it's a vanity thing, but I'm sick of not being able to find what I want in a size to fit me, everything I like is just one or two sizes too small). If I could lose that much weight, maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain all the time either (and that alone would be worth it). It's not that I give a rat's ass what other people think of me and my fat, because I don't. If they don't like looking at my fat ass, don't look. And I know my body isn't going to look all that great naked if I do lose a lot of weight, I'll have all that loose skin hanging off me (I'll remind me of the saggy baggy elephant.....lol). And none of that matters. What will matter is how I will feel physically. Will my knees hurt less, will my back hurt less, will I be able to walk more, will I be able to do more things with my husband than I can do now? Will I have to worry about having another stroke (and I know it's probably not my being fat that caused it, but I still wonder, those voices are still there telling me that if I wasn't so freaking fat, this wouldn't have happened). None of this was going through my head until I had this mini-stroke and now I'm second-guessing myself and blaming myself for not trying harder to take better care of myself, even though I don't know what more I could have done, since I know dieting and WLS don't work for long-term, permanent, safe weight loss (and thyroid problems probably don't either). Shit, with everything that's going on, I'm feeling like a real dipshit right now.